As I laid on my couch on a cold night in Boston, I'm awoken from my slumber. I received a twitter DM from my intern, VampWrl. Now, Vamp knows damn well to never DM me unless I DM him first, so I knew this was serious. His message read, "Boss, we did it, go to Mrags stream - he's crying". I backflipped off the couch and ran to my laptop to log onto Twitch. After months and months of trying to get Mrags banned on Twitch, my dream had come true - So I thought..
Upon signing in I was VERY disappointed that my dream had in fact not come to life. Actually, quite the opposite. He was on a 600 sub train. For context, I'm twice the streamer Matt will ever be and my highest sub train was only 50. I was panicking, his sub count kept getting higher and higher. 10 subs here, 25 there and even a few 100's. As the subs continued to drop so did his tears. These were happy tears, not the tears that I was hoping to see. Something had to be done. I'm generally a quick thinker and fast on my feet, but I was stumped. Suddenly, a lightbulb went off in my head.
A few weeks prior, I came up with the brilliant idea to get Matt's address without alarming him of why I needed it. With the help of my beautiful wife, we crafted some merch for the one bullet pod that we host. As soon as I finished I nonchalantly asked for his address. Upon receiving his address I quickly took to Google. I learned that incase of an emergency, I was only 3 hours away from kicking Matt's ass at any moment. Since it was late at night and my wife likely wouldn't have liked the idea of traveling 3 hours back and forth, something else had to be done to get Matt to end his stream.
When I entered the stream I had to act happy for him as to not raise any suspicion. I said things like " congrats, good job and well deserved. NONE of which I actually meant. I slowly transitioned to other lines like, "guys, 600 subs is a lot, due to covid and the economy crumbling we should all start saving our money". $4.99 is not a lot of money, I practically wipe my ass with a 5 dollar bill each morning, but I had to remind chat to save their money and end the madness. 600 subs, 700, I started to get nauseas. I took to YouTube and started searching ways that I could end his stream. The way I saw it I had two choices, I could call the authorities and inform them of a hostage situation at Matt's address or call his internet provider and ask for a hard reset of his internet connection. I'm not going to act like I'm above faking a hostage situation because I'm not, I actually think it's hilarious. According to Wikipedia (a legitimate source) a false hoax charge could carry 20 years in prison. There's no twitter in prison so I didn't take this route.
Matt's sub train quickly got to 1,000. An astronomical number, one he did NOT deserve. Something had to be done. His chat was moving so quickly that I don't think anyone was reading my messages that read "guys, this is more than enough, lets all be responsible here". I started looking up internet companies in the area and started to call a few. The only problem was that I needed to answer his security question that read, "What was the name of your first childhood friend". I could've went with John, Tom, Mike or any other generic name but I started to think. Due to Matt's abysmal personality it was more than likely that he has never made a friend. Now, turns out this was in fact the answer. When I answered with "he, doesn't have any friends" the operator said, "wait, I thought you were Matt?" So I hung up.
The sub train kept on rolling through until it reached it's last stop. 1660 subs. The madness was finally over. I've lived through some tragic events in my life, like getting drafted to play with Broboken in the #BGL, and the DMR meta, but none impacted me as much as this. The next day I was forced to up the dosage on my anti-depressants. He may have won the battle, but not the war.
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